Listening is as easy as one, two, three, and is natural, or so it might seem on the face of it.
Let us take breathing as an example of something, like listening, that we do every day without even thinking about it. For those who have experienced yoga or mindfulness practice you will be aware of the view that there is an optimal way to breathe using the diaphragm in a way that supports positive physical health and contributes to a sense of self and wellbeing. So how is this relevant to listening? Like breathing, we often listen on autopilot, without even thinking about whether we are listening effectively or not. This results in building habits that lead to both effective and ineffective practices. Bringing your awareness to how you listen is key to developing your skills so you can make conscious choices to practice listening in different and more effective ways.
The way you listen impacts on your relationships and to what extent you empower and inspire confidence in those around you. The Co-Active listening levels model teaches us that there are three levels of listening. Level 1 (focus on self), Level 2 (focus on the other person) and Level 3 (focus on the other person and wider communication e.g., their body language, tone, emotion). Level 3 is also known as Global listening. Listening to the whole and beyond just the words. If you get stuck in Level 1 Listening, where your focus remains purely on you, what you are going to say next, distractions or judgements, your relationships and therefore the effectiveness of your conversations will be less effective. Without being consciously aware of it, you might be sending unintentional signals others might interpret as lack of care, respect, importance, and belief in their ability and potential.
Listening beyond Level 1, removing distractions, and focusing attention on the other person will help you move to Level 2 and understand why someone has arrived at their decision, behaviour, or action without steering the conversation toward your own agenda and any sense of being right. People are more likely to share information about their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerability when they feel listened to, do not feel judged and have a strong sense of psychological safety. When you listen to listen and not to fix or advise, you create a shared opportunity for others to deeply listen to themselves, providing a space for them to make sense of their thoughts and feelings and to learn and grow.
In the 1970s, Sociologist Charles Derber studied interaction in social circumstances and how people behave and compete for attention. He observed that there were two types of responses in conversations (Shift and Support). The Shift response where person A diverts the attention away from person B back onto themselves rather than acknowledging or responding to what person B is saying. Person A is pushing their own agenda, eroding the ability to connect. On the other hand, the Support response is where person A encourages person B to elaborate so they can understand the situation/ person B’s experience and enable a deeper connection. Another way to think about these responses and the tension created when there is a shift response is to consider the behaviour of two magnets. They attract or repel by a magnetic field. Where magnets repel from each other there is an invisible force that keeps them apart. You can feel the physical resistance between the magnets as they fail to connect. Consider this in the context of listening and a shift response and it can be representative of when two people focus on separate agendas, their own self-interests, and neither of them take the time or opportunity to understand each other or align. Left unchecked, the relationship becomes distant, distrust breeds, connection breaks and doubt in each other’s intention starts to grow. To foster a support response, seek opportunities to collaborate rather than dominate. Avoid feeding your own need to show what you know and can do. Instead, get curious about what others know and are capable of.
There is another key component of effective listening that we must not ignore. Silence. It is no surprise that when you take the letters that spell the word LISTEN and mix them up, the same letters spell the word SILENT. Embracing silence in conversations allows the time and space for others to gather their thoughts and prepare to authentically share. Holding the silence without jumping in to fill the gap can often feel awkward. It can feel uncomfortable, yet it is so powerful in conversations. Give people space to be listened to, really listened to and they begin to share information that they have – until that moment – kept to themselves. It can be both empowering and enlightening. Silence enables people to follow through with their train of thoughts, share and organise their conscious stream of internal dialogue. All within a safe environment without judgement.
When we think of silence and listening beyond Level 2, Austro-Bohemian Romantic Composer Gustav Mahler articulates it beautifully when he said, “what’s best in music is not to be found in the notes”. I have been inspired by this quote to create an activity you can do to practice listening between the notes. You can do this with your eyes open or closed:
1. Pick a song or piece of music to listen to. It does not have to be a favourite, just any song or music with which you are familiar
2. Find a comfortable space and spend a couple of minutes to focus in on your breathing and still your mind as you prepare to listen.
3.Play the music and as you listen to it, be curious about the music notes and the lyrics you hear. Focus on one or more of the following: What are the tones, the volume and pitch, notice the rhythm, focus on the words, the story telling, what meaning do you attach to the song, what emotions are evoked and why, how are you connecting with the music, what do you like or not like about it? If you start with a focus on one or two aspects, you can repeat the activity with a different listening focus each time. Embrace and experiment!
4.At the end of the song, pause and reflect. Were there sounds, lyrics, meaning you previously did not notice when you listened to it before? What was your experience of the song or piece of music when listening to specific aspects of it or in its entirety in a conscious and focussed way?
Likened to conversations and listening, you might change Mahler’s quote to “What’s best in conversations is more than what’s found in the words.” This would also lend itself well to Level 3 listening. In summary pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, nonverbal communication, play your observations back and raise their awareness. Do this without any expectation to be right but with the intent to raise awareness through providing feedback. Skilfully saying what you see, hear, and intuitively observe. It will help you to access unspoken thoughts and feelings that may be at the heart of what really matters in the conversation.
By giving attention to what is going on behind the words and showing interest in what silences and non-verbal language might reveal, you become a more curious listener. You train your ears and your eyes to listen differently, building in your awareness to your other senses, achieving a state of Level 3 global listening that reaches far beyond anything self-serving.
Michelle Atkinson, ACC is an Associate Coach Mentor with the Laid Bare Company www.linkedin.com/in/michelle-atkinson-pcc
